If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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