Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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