Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
