Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
