Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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