i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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