God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
