So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
