she was so not down for the gang bang
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Come see our sink grown plant.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
