My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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