Is it normal to miss your booty call?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
It's shark week go big or go home
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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