chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
