He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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