In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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