I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
pray to the hookup gods
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
