My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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