My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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