so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
