You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
