dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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