I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I have aggressive nipples.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
