fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
