i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
