I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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