Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
