There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
