He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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