Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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