My sheets look like a crime scene.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
