Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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