God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
