remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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