if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
