Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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