my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
