when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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