Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize