Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
