She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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