dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
my liver is dry heaving
Randomize
