Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
