Betty ford says i'm here all night
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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