so that wasnt chicken after all
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize