This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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