I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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