ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
