I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
you win again, gameday.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
