I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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