I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize