I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
