Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize