So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
