I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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