No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I fill condoms, not promises.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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