Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
either way he was missing a nipple.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
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