life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm passing your future prison.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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