phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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