I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
