my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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