My nipple is on Facebook.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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