Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Randomize
