last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
if only i could text you this smell
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
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