i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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