Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
