apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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